


you could be happy

by johnlock221b (nearlyheadlessnick)



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 22:29:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19260415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nearlyheadlessnick/pseuds/johnlock221b
Summary: two heartbroken boys, one sad song, a lot of angst.





	you could be happy

[ _you could be happy and i won't know, but you weren't happy the day i watched you go_. ]

sherlock can still remember the way john looked, standing at his grave, begging him for one more miracle. and oh, how he wished he could be brilliant enough. he can still remember how the air smelled; like autumn leaves, like a bonfire in the distance, like heartbreak, like loneliness. he remembered being acutely aware of the fact that everywhere else, the world was still spinning. it was just his heart that felt apocalyptic. it took every atom in his body, every bit of sense he had to keep him from running to john. to keep him from yelling, _i'm here, i'm okay. i've been okay ever since we met_. but he didn't. he let his heart break, and he walked away. that's all he could do. right?

[ _all the things i wish i had not said are played in loops til it's madness in my head._ ]

he couldn't help but relive certain moments from his time with john. he was too sensitive, or never sensitive enough, too brooding or lost in his own mind, he payed too much attention and none at all. everything was too much or not enough. he sleeps, rarely, and he dreams of every moment he now regrets. did he have to snap so often? did he have to be so mean all the time? _those_ are the memories he chose to leave john with? great fucking choice. he wouldn't be surprised if secretly, john didn't miss him at all.

[ _you could be happy. i hope you are. you made me happier than i'd been by far... and somehow, everything i own smells of you. and for the tiniest moment, it's all not true._ ]

john can't stand his pillowcase. he's bought countless but they all feel the same and how can he sleep when his pillowcase feels just like it did when he slept in the same building as sherlock? he keeps waking up in the middle of the night, ready to yell at sherlock for bringing something into the flat that he shouldn't have, only to wake up to complete silence, in a different bed, and it hits him all over again. there is nothing to yell about, there is no noise. he's been drinking more coffee and tea than ever before, curling up in his favorite chair and letting himself fall asleep in front of the tv. he wakes up with an aching neck, but there are no phantom sherlock voices to feel sad over. he thinks it's a good trade.

[ _without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do._ ]

sherlock can't stop thinking about how he forced john into situations he didn't want to be in. if it weren't for him, john wouldn't have gone through the pain of _losing_ him. he wished he'd just stayed away, but at the same time he knows he's lying to himself. he wants nothing more than to be with john again. he can't stop thinking about how no one else will ever care about him like john did, and there's nothing he can do about it now. everywhere else, the world is _still fucking spinning_ , and he can't remember the last time his heart felt alright. and it never really will. not without john.


End file.
